“I thought I was doing it all right, until I realized I was doing it all wrong…”

Those words popped out of my mouth today in grammar class. My classmates were discussing how difficult the sentence break downs were, while I was thinking how it really wasn’t that bad….until I realized I was doing it completely wrong…

The funny thing is, this isn’t just how my life is in grammar class, but in everything! As an MK (missionary kid), I wanted to be a missionary and it didn’t really seem like a scary thing to me. It seemed quite normal, fun and adventurous. I thought I had it all right… but now, all of a sudden fear is striking me, all the what-ifs:

• What if I get malaria?
• What if Gracia gets malaria?
• What if one of us gets that weird worm that comes out of your skin and you have to pull a little bit out every day?
• What if I can’t get to the level in another language that I’m supposed to?
• What if I end up having to do medical work in a remote location?
• What if I have to stitch up a wound??!!!
• What if someone’s life is in my hands?
• What if I WILL stick out like a sore thumb in another country.
• What if I do a bad job homeschooling?
• What if I hole up in my house and create a mini-America for myself?
• What if I don’t get along with my co-workers?

This is just a small snippet of the fears that I’ve recently become acquainted with. The one good thing that I’ve seen come out of all these fears, is that each time I feel scared, the only thing I can do is run to God saying, “I can’t do this!” It’s then that it dawns on me, “No, I can’t, and that’s the whole point, only God can.”

If I ever stitch up a wound, learn a language well enough to tell someone about God, have the courage to tell someone about God, or make it through malaria without deciding to quit, it’ll only be because of the power of God that He has so graciously allowed in my life. When I think I’ve got it all under-control and I’m doing it all right, it’s then that I realize, I’m doing it completely wrong and depending on myself. More than anything else, I need these reminders to keep me sourced in the Vine (John 15).

~Katy