{"id":142,"date":"2015-07-26T13:54:10","date_gmt":"2015-07-26T18:54:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/?p=142"},"modified":"2015-07-27T10:35:52","modified_gmt":"2015-07-27T15:35:52","slug":"with-hands-so-full-why-do-my-arms-feel-empty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/2015\/07\/26\/with-hands-so-full-why-do-my-arms-feel-empty\/","title":{"rendered":"With Hands So Full, Why Do My Arms Feel Empty?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Lord gives, and the Lord takes away\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

That was all I could choke out on Tuesday morning. I knew there was more to the verse, but I just couldn\u2019t\u2026or wouldn\u2019t\u2026say it.<\/p>\n

Monday had gone by like a dream. After two miscarriages in the past year and months of infertility, I was finally pregnant. When I knew for sure that morning, my heart raced a little. Then I laughed with joy\u2014and then I prayed: \u201cLord, protect this little life.\u201d<\/p>\n

All day I was walking on air. We got the news mid-morning that we had a new niece. I was delighted! With a heart so filled with happiness, it felt right that others should rejoice, too. We took a meal over and held the baby that evening. So precious! Ten perfect little digits that curled around my finger, and cheeks puffy after the trauma of birth. The smell of vernix on her skin reminded me of the miracle I would experience in a few short months.<\/p>\n

But that night everything turned upside down.<\/p>\n

The pain of miscarriage is confusing. I tried to sort it out on Tuesday morning when I had a few quiet hours to myself. There\u2019s the obvious pain of loss.<\/strong> No matter how brief the life, God has designed mothers to bond deeply with their children. I sat alone and wept for the loss of my child.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s the pain of not knowing.<\/strong> I\u2019ll never know in this life whether my baby was a boy or a girl\u2026blue-eyed or brown. So many sweet, intricate details are lost to me. In our family, a favorite baby shower activity is to guess the gender, date and time of birth, weight, and length of each baby. Why? Because we love details! Each baby is a miracle, and each detail, down to the ounce, is spectacularly interesting. I wept because I cannot know.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s the pain of loneliness and misunderstanding.<\/strong> \u201cOh, it was so early on\u2026you\u2019ll get over it soon.\u201d Outside of personal experience, most people cannot comprehend the feelings that accompany miscarriage. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world while I wept with the pain of loneliness.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s the pain of comparison and envy.<\/strong> The joy of having a new niece was dampened by the envy I felt toward my sister-in-law. I want my baby! It\u2019s not fair!<\/em> I wept because someone else had what I so desperately wanted.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s the pain of guilt.<\/strong> I have two beautiful, healthy children who keep me active and alert from sun-up to sun-down. (My youngest just stuck his heel in a pile of ketchup at lunch.) With hands so full, why do my arms feel empty? Feeling ungrateful, I wept with the pain of guilt.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s the pa<\/strong>in <\/strong>of fea<\/strong>r.<\/strong> Fear whispers, \u201cMaybe you did something wrong. Maybe it\u2019s a problem you\u2019ll never discover. Maybe you\u2019ll never be pregnant again. Maybe you\u2019ll just keep losing babies. Maybe you\u2019ll sink into depression and never climb out. Maybe\u2026\u201d\u00a0 I wept because I was afraid.<\/p>\n

And finally, there\u2019s the pain of anger.<\/strong> I had prayed, hadn\u2019t I? I had begged God for this baby. I had asked Him to protect the little life inside me. Well? Hadn\u2019t I already learned enough spiritual lessons from my previous miscarriages? I knew that suffering makes us more like Christ, but I was finished. I could have shouted out loud, \u201cI don\u2019t want to be more like Jesus\u2014I just want my baby!\u201d This is why I closed my lips after the first half of that verse: \u201cThe Lord gives and the Lord takes away.\u201d The end. I acknowledged God\u2019s presence and power, but I wasn\u2019t going to bless Him for it. Instead, I cried hot, angry tears and retreated further into myself.<\/p>\n

Healing comes slowly, and repentance is a choice. The days have progressed despite my pain. I continue to cry, mascara clotting my lashes and salty spots drying on my lenses. I continue to wonder, Why, God?<\/em> And it still hurts a little to hold that new baby, remembering I will not<\/em> experience the same joy in a few months. But repentance (thinking differently) is a choice.<\/p>\n

Today I chose to pray from Ephesians 1. God has blessed me in Christ. I am identified with Jesus. I share in His inheritance. Christ is the ruler over all authorities. All power has been given to Him.<\/em> After a while, words started pouring out with more and more clarity. I asked for hope and peace\u2014and joy. Not because I felt like it, but because it was right.<\/p>\n

Finally, I knew I had to say it. Something told me the feeling would never come until I first made the choice. I felt like the little child whose parent asks, \u201cDo you want to help me with the dishes?\u201d The sullen reply is, \u201cNo, but I will.\u201d Just like that, I picked up a \u201cdish\u201d and chose to obey:<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026blessed be the Name of the Lord. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!\u201d<\/p>\n

And with obedience came a flood of peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe Lord gives, and the Lord takes away\u2026\u201d That was all I could choke out on Tuesday morning. I knew there was more to the verse, but I just couldn\u2019t\u2026or wouldn\u2019t\u2026say it. Monday had gone by like a dream. After two miscarriages in the past year and months of infertility, I was finally pregnant. When […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1082,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[24724,448,243,1713,95094,637,483,95280,431],"class_list":["post-142","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-uncategorized","tag-disappointment","tag-ethnos360","tag-hope","tag-joy","tag-miscarriage","tag-new-tribes-mission","tag-pain","tag-peace","tag-trust","entry"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/142","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1082"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=142"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/142\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=142"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=142"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/jared-kresge\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=142"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}