{"id":2011,"date":"2018-11-01T10:06:34","date_gmt":"2018-11-01T00:06:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/?p=2011"},"modified":"2018-11-01T10:06:34","modified_gmt":"2018-11-01T00:06:34","slug":"its-been-a-while","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/2018\/11\/its-been-a-while\/","title":{"rendered":"it’s been a while"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi there, remember me? I used to blog in this space. I used to write about our everyday happenings, new recipes I was loving, big things I was feeling. And then I stopped.<\/p>\n

I found that I couldn’t really tell you everything I was feeling, or everything that was going on — I could never really be one-hundred-percent honest. So what was the point of writing? And why did I feel like that?<\/p>\n

Because I’m a missionary; and I can’t ever share the hard things.<\/p>\n

This is a good post<\/a>\u00a0by\u00a0A Life Overseas<\/em><\/a>\u00a0that explains this feeling a little more in-depth.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Mibu airstrip survey, Jon Leedahl & Josh Verdonck
photo by Geoff Husa<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There is a certain pressure that comes with being a missionary, that is unique to anything else. It is immediate, immense, and heavy. It is the\u00a0pressure\u00a0of having everything you do\/buy\/say\/drink\/go\/post\/wear being put under a microscope; the\u00a0fear\u00a0of being judged as\u00a0frivolous, or wasteful, or somehow\u00a0lacking, or even of\u00a0losing support\u00a0altogether.<\/p>\n

And so like a good missionary, I hid those things from you, because I was afraid. I explained my lack of blogging depth by telling you we were busy, that life was moving quickly, and that there was a lot going on. All of those things were true, I’ve never lied to you here – they just weren’t the whole picture.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Josh and Lucy Mae in Madang
photo by @erinkvdonck<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I didn’t tell you the hard things<\/em>; that there were personnel issues going on that were seriously stressing us out. I didn’t tell you that we lost a friend, unexpectedly and traumatically. I didn’t tell you how hard it was to be in America, uncomfortable and out of place. I didn’t tell you about the deep struggle with the baby blues and anxiety. I didn’t tell you that you needed more than we could give. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to sound ungrateful or unfeeling, but mostly, because I was afraid that you would judge me and find me lacking.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Helicopter ride
photo by @floraladie<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Likewise, I didn’t tell you the good things either<\/em>. Like that we won three different professional photo shoots. I didn’t tell you that we ate take out a lot, especially after Lucy Mae came along, and it was so good. I didn’t tell you that I went to Target several times a week, just to look at pretty things, drink Starbucks, wearing my baby with my mom bun and leggings, and pretend that I was a normal American mom. I didn’t tell you, because I was afraid that you would judge me and find me frivolous or wasteful.<\/p>\n

I hope you can understand, and I hope that you can forgive me for hiding my heart from you. And I hope that you stick around to keep reading, because I’m ready to come back and share about our lives again. I want my daughter to grow up to be brave, and I can only teach her that by being brave myself. So I’m ready to share; the big and the small; the good and<\/strong> the bad.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Rainbow Springs State Park
photo by Tara McGovern<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi there, remember me? I used to blog in this space. I used to write about our everyday happenings, new recipes I was loving, big things I was feeling. And then I stopped. I found that I couldn’t really tell you everything I was feeling, or everything that was going on — I could never […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1080,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[448,112097,3,2396,91613,91837,112096,1196,112094,68449,85834,638,152],"class_list":{"0":"post-2011","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-ministry","7":"tag-ethnos360","8":"tag-ethnos360aviation","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-josh","11":"tag-josh-and-erin-verdonck","12":"tag-josh-verdonck","13":"tag-lucy-mae","14":"tag-missionary-aviation","15":"tag-missionary-aviation-papua-new-guinea","16":"tag-missionary-aviation-png","17":"tag-missionary-life","18":"tag-papua-new-guinea","19":"tag-partnership-development","20":"entry"},"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2011","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1080"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2011"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2011\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2011"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2011"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.ethnos360.org\/josh-verdonck\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2011"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}