i’ve been asked, more than a few times over the last couple days, if i felt like my world had been turned upside down. the first time i laughed and said yes. then i cried a little bit inside. the next time i was asked, it took me a bit longer to keep the tears back. yesterday, i had to admit that it didn’t feel like my world was upside down anymore. in reality, i could hardly tell which way was up. i sat in the waiting area outside the NICU while the team of nurses and doctors placed a PICC line into my boy. i tried to get the “homework” done, all the information that the hospital needs… but i couldn’t get my brain fog to clear. the truth was so hard to hold on to. so i put my head back and started talking. i think i got about 3 or 4 words out.
“i just can’t…” was all it took for THE Truth to start talking. it was like my heavenly Father was right there. “I know you can’t. You never could. You try real hard, but you’re still not getting it, Joshua. How long do you think you can keep this show up? You know that I’ve been waiting for you to stop and ask me, right? I’ve been telling you for years, in my Word, that THIS is what I do, right? How about you sit and think about that for a minute… Think about all the trials I brought my people through. Think about it. Think about ALL the times when your stubbornness and arrogance caught up to YOU. Remember how I was always there to remind YOU that your tantrums didn’t surprise me? I saw what was coming, before you did. If you’d just slow down and listen to me, we might have avoided some of those.” i got my breath back and my nose to stop dripping long enough to ask, “but what about this…” and there He STILL was. “Hey, hey, HEY. This wasn’t your ‘fault.’ You can’t control what happens in there. I am the Giver of life. I am the One Who Knows All Things, will you trust me with this, too? I am the Giver of Grace.” “but i don’t deserve that, i don’t deserve all the gifts you’ve given me, i don’t deserve the beautiful children you’ve blessed me with, i don’t deserve the wife i love, i don’t deserve the…” AGAIN, it was like He was right THERE, “Well, of course you don’t. IF you deserved it, it would NOT be grace, would it? Just accept it, son. Just let me do what I do. I’ve got a whole bunch of people that are waiting to help. Will you trust me with this? Don’t you actually HAVE to trust me with this?” exhale. sigh of relief…
right now: there are people that i don’t know, taking care of things that i was unaware of being needful for. Praise the Lord for them. there are doctors that i cannot afford, using medical skills and tools that i was unaware of the existence of, to keep my wife and child alive. Praise the Lord for them. there are nurses watching my wife and child 24/7 doing all they can to keep them clean and growing/healing, with skills and patience beyond my understanding. Praise the Lord for them. there are family members (spiritual and physical) graciously serving “my other littles” so that i can be with Ezra. Praise the Lord for them.
i am undeservedly blessed by my heavenly Father, yet again.