There is a moment, when you realize that the newness is beginning to fade away, and reality is setting in.
The reality is that you don’t fit here yet, and it’s getting more and more evident that you won’t be fitting for a while. There is no jumping in the car and heading out to Starbucks, or Target to just “get away” from the noise, and the kids clamoring for attention or arguing. There is you, and your great, big, ugly attitude, and nowhere to hide it.
That moment happened to me tonight. Sleep is still not coming easy, our French classes are amazing, but very draining, and homeschooling takes up most of the afternoon. We’re still adjusting to this new schedule. No matter how much I would like it to happen, my kids are not always grateful that they have the morning off, and that I love them enough to spend my afternoons teaching them. Go figure right.
Well, anyway, this afternoon just felt like one battle after another, and I began wishing desperately for somewhere to go. Anywhere! I looked out over this unfamiliar city and found myself fighting self-pity. I looked at my children, and found myself fighting resentment.
And then God graciously brought to mind a song I have been listening to recently.
“Good To Me” by Audrey Assad
Actually, the only lines I could really remember were “and the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy. Because you are good to me, good to me…”
It was enough. I started singing those words over and over. I sang them as I held and kissed my crying, whining three year old. I sang them as I folded our laundry. I sang them loudly when two kids came complaining to me about something. And I thought them as I looked over this unfamiliar city, and listened to unfamiliar words being sung somewhere nearby.
The amazing thing is that, as I sang, the resentment faded, replaced with thanksgiving for these four, wonderful people that I am blessed enough to mother. And the self-pity faded, replaced with awe over the fact that God has gifted me this opportunity to be here, in this place, unfamiliar as it is, learning and growing for His glory.
The reality is, God is good to me. Right now, in my glaring weakness He is good to me. The reality is that He has blessed me with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places, as well as an uncountable number of physical blessings! And He faithfully opens my eyes to His overwhelming gifts when I’m willing to see them.
~Stacy
If anyone is interested, here are the rest of the lyrics to “Good to Me”
I put all my hope in the truth of Your promise
And I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness
When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift up Your name
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
I lift up my eyes to the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night – raise my head up to hear the sound
Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
Your goodness and mercy shall follow me
All my life
I will trust in Your promise
-Title photo edited from normalityrelief
Thank you so much for your prayers Bonnie! It is such an encouragement to hear when people are praying 🙂
Stacy, I was just praying for you this week, figuring that the newness (honeymoon) would wear off and reality would set in. I was also praying for your children, wondering if they are missing the “old life”. Your response was so beautiful. I love your openness and honesty. I think I will learn much from your blog what a missionary family goes through.