We were so excited earlier in August to find out we were expecting our second child. A spring baby sounded wonderful! We told our moms soon after and slowly were telling our family and close friends as time went along. The anticipation of pregnancy is so fun and we’d already been having conversations about baby names, how to rearrange our apartment to make room for our little one, and other fun things that cross your mind when you’re expecting.
You always know there is the chance that you could miscarry. In my case, the chances are higher than most. Still somehow you don’t quite expect it to actually happen.
And then it does.
It was just before our final weekend of Off The Grid when things began to happen. I had this sinking feeling from the start that things were not going to end well. The following days passed in the most painful of ways. It was so awful. I had to wait things out over the weekend and then Monday they couldn’t get me an appointment until Wednesday. Those days of waiting were such a roller coaster of emotions. By Monday we were pretty sure that we had lost our baby and on Wednesday the doctor confirmed our reality.
Pete and I were blown away during that week of the support we felt from those that knew about our situation. The FB messages, phone calls, e-mails, those that stopped in to make sure things were okay or to offer to take River out for a walk. Our family & friends just loved on us and we felt it so deeply. Some even offered to drive all the way from the States to be with us. The same day things began my mom had come to help out with River as we finished our last Off The Grid weekend. Only God could have known to have her there just as we started through this journey. I cannot even begin to explain the help and support she was during that time. Our coworkers covered for us in such a tremendous way that weekend as we wrapped up Off The Grid. Pete carried on with the teaching but was relieved of some of his other responsibilities.
We have had such a hard time getting pregnant and it has been such a tough road for me. From wondering originally if we would ever be able to have kids, to seeing the months go by with still no baby. And then River came along finally and lit up our lives. And now we’ve been back to seeing the months go by and praying for another child. I sometimes wish so much I could change all that has gone on and create a different reality. But I can’t. I can’t compare myself with others who haven’t had fertility issues. I have to choose to be content. Over and over. I have to make that same choice and I don’t do very well at it much of the time. Sometimes we just can’t change our reality. But God gives encouragement in the moments when we can’t see any hope there. As I was losing the baby I really didn’t feel hope at all. But yet I knew that eventually hope would rise. He really does give strength just as we need it.
Two days after we found out we had lost the baby we headed off on a vacation that had already been planned. It is one of my favourite places on earth and it has been just what we needed. Pete has been the hugest support to me these last couple of weeks. I am still working through the process of dealing with this and although the emotion still hits me in waves, he continues to comfort and encourage me and my heart is healing. Many women have walked this same road which has given me comfort as I’ve gone through it. Sometimes the hardest things in our lives are just the ones that we don’t share. I’ve been reminded that in our transparency it allows the body of Christ to really come together and so I wanted to share a bit of this road we are on. Would you pray with us as we continue to move on and adjust to our new reality?
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.