If you ever find yourself living in the middle of the jungle, relying on all sorts of amazing men and women to buy your groceries and fly them in, this guide to surviving Chopper Day may come in handy. How to Survive Chopper Day Step 1: Decide what you’re going to need to eat for the next 12-15 weeks, and then write it all down. This is best accomplished by stationing the husband at the computer and the wife in the pantry. The husband should yell, “Do we need ketchup?” and the wife should respond, “What?” Repeat several times until a consensus is reached about the ketchup, and then move on to the other 187 items on the list. (If desired, station several small children at various places around the house and instruct them to sing out “MOM!” in simultaneous four-part harmony from time to time.) Step 2: Attach your shopping list to an email and send it to four different supply department addresses to make sure you have the right one. Maintain a sense of uncertainty for the next few days and periodically ask yourself, “Should I email them to see if they got it?” Step 3: Email the supply department to ask for an item you forgot to order. Step 4: Email the supply department to ask for an item you forgot to order. Step 5: Email the supply department to ask for an item you forgot to order. Step 6: Adjust your work and home school schedule so that Chopper Day is entirely free. Make sure all the Ziploc bags you’ve been reusing for the past two years are freshly washed, and take the opportunity presented by an almost-empty fridge and freezer to sweep away the poisonous centipedes that have crawled behind them to die. Step 7: Get up early on Chopper Day to answer the phone when the helicopter pilot calls to ask about the weather. Your answer must be given while you stand outside peering up into the sky, waving your arms towards the four points of the compass as you internally balance your need for more toilet paper against your desire for the pilot to live through the day. (Preference is traditionally given to the pilot.) Step 8: Inform your teammates that the pilot says he’ll try to be here in an hour. Step 9: Wait three hours. Step 10: Hang out with all the people from the village who have dressed in their best and come to celebrate Chopper Day. Make sure to stop all conversation and listen intently every time the washing machine starts to spin, then reassure the screaming children that it is not the helicopter. It is essential at this point to have learned the phrase: “I don’t know if the helicopter is coming today.” Step 11: Jump up immediately upon hearing the general outcry that someone can hear the helicopter coming. Make sure to locate all of your various and sundry children and warn them upon pain of death that they are not to get near the helicopter. Then the husband should proceed to the chopper pad with all able-bodied village men and brave children while the wife holds the clinging toddler and prays that no one will get decapitated by the rear rotor. Step 12: The husband should shake hands with the pilot and shout unintelligible things at the top of his lungs while the helicopter idles. The pilot will nod and smile and then expect you to return the favor as he shouts his unintelligible reply. The husband should then help to unload the supplies and pile them at the edge of the landing pad, with the heavy boxes on top so the light ones don’t blow down the mountain when the helicopter takes off. The wife should station herself near this pile and spend her time trying to decide whether or not to scold all the naked village children who are trying to peek under the box lids. Step 13: Stand back as the helicopter takes off and ask yourself why you always plan to wave at the pilot even though you know there is so much dirt flying through the air that it’s impossible to pry your eyes open. Resolve to remember this next time. Press-gang all of your children into carrying boxes up the hill, and then follow them up carrying a 25-pound box of canned peaches while you wonder why you all need to eat so much. Step 14: Open all the boxes at the same time! If you fail to do so, you will spend most of the next few hours wondering where you put those scissors. The children will try to trick you by pretending they want to help, but it is recommended that you banish them from the premises unless there is major loss of blood or solid waste among them. WARNING: The husband must proceed with caution when putting away supplies. It is said that a young missionary husband who put the vanilla extract on the wrong shelf one fateful Chopper Day was taken on a long hike by his wife and never heard from again. Step 15: Make the job more fun for yourself by playing a game of Freezer Tetris. To win, there should be absolutely no empty space in the appliance when you are finished putting away supplies. Extra points are awarded if you can maintain a mental picture of the contents so as to avoid unnecessary rummaging later on. (Points are also awarded if, during said rummaging, you remember you are a member of the clergy and refrain from using colorful language.) Step 16: Take some Tylenol. Step 17: Soak all fresh produce in bleach water and then transfer to the kitchen counter to allow time for the caterpillars to die completely. Then arm yourself with all the freshly washed veteran Ziploc bags and distribute the bleached, dried, slightly-less-caterpillary vegetables among them. Put them all into the refrigerator and make bets with your spouse about how long they will last before molding this time. Step 18: Decide which cardboard supply boxes you want to keep, which you want to burn, and which you want to give away so your friends in the village have something to sleep on. Peel the 6miles of packing tape off your kitchen floor and try to reply pleasantly when your children remind you that they haven’t eaten in 10 hours. Step 19: Sit down in your plastic kitchen chair surrounded by piles of cardboard boxes and discarded envelopes from the mail bag. Smile at your spouse understandingly while each of you wonders when the other is going to offer a much-deserved shoulder rub. Resolve to be the first to offer it on the next Chopper Day.