Things I learned in Thailand

We’re back home, so I thought I’d fill you in one some things I found out …

I don’t like riding elephants. Enough said.

I’m better at bargaining than I thought. One vendor in a street market cut his price for a silk scarf from 200 baht to 150 baht (about $5). But we were buying two, so I asked him, “How about 250 for two?” He said, “No. 240.” OK … I must have Jedi mind powers I never knew about before.

Nok Air is cool. Nok is a budget Thai airline that paints its planes like colorful tropical birds. The flight crews are friendly, helpful and fun, the prices are not bad, they sell great souvenirs (including plush toy jet-airplane-birds) and they serve great food – on flights of about one hour. Flying to Bangkok (a one hour, ten minute flight), they served the best warm spicy curry chicken pot pie sandwich thing I have ever eaten. Yes, it was the only warm spicy curry chicken pot pie sandwich thing I have ever eaten. But it was a really good warm spicy curry chicken pot pie sandwich thing.

Domestic American flights are not cool. International flights are a lot better. And we were spoiled by Nok Air, I guess. But two and a half hours of flying, and no warm spicy curry chicken pot pie sandwich things, or even an opportunity to buy plush toy jet-airplane-birds?

American airport security folks are not quite world-class. You want to see world-class security, go through Narita Airport in Tokyo. They’re efficient, effective and polite. And after going through six security checkpoints just on our four flights home, this is a voice of experience talking.

An eight-hour bus ride halfway across Thailand – even in “VIP luxury class” – is still an eight-hour bus ride. Nok Air is a lot more expensive, but also a lot faster. And their warm spicy chicken pot pie sandwich things are way better than the chocolate crackers and sort of orange flavor (the color, not the fruit) drink they gave us on the bus.

A 12-hour drive across Thailand is not a 12-hour drive across Thailand. Not if your clutch goes out. Even so, if it goes out right near where there happens to be a guy with a roadside stand who fixes clutches, it only adds two hours.

7-11 is big in Thailand. But … why? I mean, sure, they have all nine or so flavors of Lays chips, even hot chili squid. And hot dogs. But still …

In Thailand, even the salads are fiery hot. If they ask how hot you want it, go for “medium” if you like it hot. And if they offer rice, take it. It cools your mouth. Trust me on this. I like spicy hot food, but I felt overwhelmed at times in Thailand.

Good luck finding familiar foods at the bus station. Julie and I wanted to buy some food for our eight-hour bus trip. But the bus station is mostly used by Thais. So while much of the food for sale there looked familiar, I think it actually was not. That is, I figured I’d buy something thinking, “OK, this looks sweet,” and not discover until I put it in my mouth that it was actually salty and sour (and probably very very spicy). And I definitely chose to pass on what looked like a fist-sized lump of lavender Play-doh.

Thai cab drivers don’t speak English. In the touristy areas, it seems like everyone else does. But as in the USA, the cab drivers don’t speak English. Most can’t even read the English-character transliteration of the Thai script. You need to show them an address in Thai script if you want to get somewhere.

American money looks funny. Why is it all the same colors and the same size? Each Thai denomination is slightly longer than the next smallest one, and a different color.

I just don’t get Thai. I don’t just mean I don’t speak it. I don’t get it at all. It’s a tonal language, which means the sound “ma,” for instance, can be five different words just based on the tone you use, but that’s not all. Thai has its own writing system, so you can’t even sound out anything. But what really set me back is, you can’t even sound out the transliteration from Thai script to the alphabet we use in English. For instance, the international airport in Bangkok is named Suvarnabhumi. So since I had to tell a cab driver where we wanted to go, I had to pronounce that. Guess how it’s pronounced? Su-wa-na-poom. See? I just don’t get Thai.

I like being other places, it’s the traveling part that gets to me. Where are those transporters? From the time we left a village in northeastern Thailand to go to the airport, until we arrived back home in Florida, 44 hours elapsed. Four flights, three layovers (one brief, one long, one interminable) and six security checkpoints. One long cab ride, no meals that are memorable in a good way, and why did the Bangkok airport convenience store give me ketchup with a ham-and-cheese criossant? It was actually rather amusing, thinking of how a French tourist might react to that. I almost acted it out for Julie, but realized in time that the people next to us were indeed French tourists. All in all, however, it was worth going through all that to experience Thailand, to get photos and videos, and most of all, to gain perspective.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to decide whether to get more sleep or more coffee or go out hunting for a really good warm spicy curry chicken pot pie sandwich thing.