Elin and I were listening to a sermon recently where the speaker suggested that when we are accused of doing something wrong or of being a bad person, we should respond with “that isn’t the half of it.” In other words, we are actually a lot worse than we are being accused of.
It struck us as being good advice. One of the things we see the Lord trying to teach us is that we need to be honest about ourselves and our depravity. As C.S. Lewis put it we all have “rats in our cellar” and we need to face them. Only when we can face our own bankruptcy will we be open to His help. Only when we admit we can’t do what He asks us to do will He help us do it. Only when we are willing to own up to our evil hearts will He be able to change them.
The Lord is good about bringing situations along to remind us of our inadequacies. This afternoon I was faced with one of those situations. Normally on a weekend I like to relax, but that seems to be the time the people in the village prefer to come and ask me for things. Can I fix this for them? Can I do them this special favor? Can I buy them something in town on my next trip? Can I? Can I? Can I?…. And to make it worse, whatever you do for them they are NEVER thankful for it. After a while one gets weary: weary of well doing. This is especially true when you are trying to do well in your own strength. After a while, especially in the late afternoon, and especially on the weekend, one learns to dread the sound of someone calling out “hoti” (“anyone home?”) in the yard. Oh no, not again…
Today, did I mention today was a weekend day and it was the late afternoon?, I heard the usual “hoti” and drug myself outside to greet the person. The problem is that I went outside expecting the worst. What does he want? A job, a purchase, a ride, gas for his motorcycle, etc. Quickly, I recognized the guy outside, I had sold him an old used 12v battery a month or so ago. I greeted him but it was with the barest of formalities. It is obvious I consider myself interrupted by his visit and that I resented it. He responded with the traditional question: “Are you here (present)?” Instead of responding with the polite response “Yes, I am here” I got smart. I looked all around me and said: “Yes, I think I am here, but I’m not sure. What do you think? Do you think I am here?” There was an awkward silence. He seemed a little unsure how to proceed. I am thinking in my mind this whole time: “Come on, buddy, just hurry up and ask me for a job so I can hurry up and say no so I can hurry up and go back inside.” (Sometimes you begin to wish these people would realize that you’re here to tell them a message about how much God loves them and that they would just leave you alone so you could get everything ready to tell them that message.) The awkward silence continues. He seems at a loss for words to know how to respond to me. He starts to fumble around in the small backpack he brought with him. He can’t seem to find the right zipper. Finally he finds what he is looking for. He pulls out a bag containing a dozen or so eggs. He hands it to me and says: “Here are some eggs to say thank you for giving me a good deal on that battery. It is working well.”
Now it is my turn to stand in awkward silence. Now I am at a loss for words. All I could manage was “Thank you. Thank you, very much.” But even as I said I knew it was inadequate. You can’t go from being rude to thankful in a second. He walked away and I stood there with a bag of eggs in my hand. I turned and walked back into the house broken. It has been hours and I still have tears in my eyes thinking about it. What a jerk I am… and that isn’t the half of it!
It’s painful to admit it but that’s the truth of it. In me dwelleth no good thing! I look in the mirror and see only impatience, rudeness, and a bent to sarcasm. I am too busy with the vital task of preparing to tell them an important message to care about accurately reflecting the One whose message I am bringing. He is patient, gentle, kind but they will never know that from looking at my life. I might accurately translate John 3:16 “for God so loved the world” but the static that comes from the way I live my life will prevent anyone from “hearing” it. The fact of the matter is that in and of myself I am a pathetic ambassador for the King. That’s a big surprise to me. It might not be a big surprise to you. It certainly isn’t a surprise to Him. He’s known it all along and has been trying to tell me that. He is the only one who can accurately represent Himself. All He wants from me is to admit my own inadequacy and trust Him to do it through me. He just wants me to own up to the fact that I can’t be what He wants me to be and to let Him be Himself in me. It seems so simple, and it is as a concept, but it isn’t simple to act upon it. I have too high of an opinion of myself to give up wanting to try…
Continue to pray for us, that the Lord will teach us to admit who we really are, and that we will learn to let Him live His life through us.