Beth and I enjoyed some small talk with our premarital counselors Todd & Ruth Ann. We were still a couple of months away from our wedding, and each session of premarital counseling brought us closer and closer to the big day. We had asked them to do our counseling since we had observed their marriage over the past few years and respected them a lot. Todd was one of our instructors at New Tribes Bible Institute, and Ruth Ann was a home-school co-op teacher. They were fun and authentic people and had been an example to us of what a marriage should look like.
Each week they would bring a new topic to the table that we would discuss and they would share their insights on. One week we talked about money of course, another we talked about children, I think. This week in particular I was eager to hear what we were going to talk about because the week prior they had told us that this week we would hit on something big.
Finally after the small talk, Todd began. “This week we thought we would talk to you guys about expectations in marriage.”
Expectations. At the time, I remember being unimpressed. As Todd and Ruth Ann shared, the whole concept seemed foreign to me. They said that expectations would prove to become one of the biggest reasons we would have conflict in our marriage. Expectations we have for ourselves, for the other person, for our time and resources, etc. Expectations.
Expectations in Ministry
What seemed foreign over six years ago has now become crystal clear, but not only in our marriage. I am finding that the concept of “expectations” covers many relationships in our lives, including my relationship with myself, which in turn directly affects my expectations of others.
We are still newbie missionaries. I am not exactly sure when one stops being a new missionary. Probably after language and culture study. Or maybe after introducing someone from your new culture to Christ? Maybe all those things don’t matter, but what really counts is how many trials you have weathered, like earning badges as a boy scout.
In any case, it seems that one of the greatest challenges new missionaries face is the failure to meet the high expectations they place upon themselves and the high expectations that are placed on them by others, mostly perceived, sometimes real. This has been our experience and I would venture to guess that we’re not the only ones. Not being a seasoned missionary myself, I wouldn’t think to extend it further, but I’d be interested to know if high expectations plagues even experienced missionaries.
A Study in Expectations
During our maternity leave, some good friends of ours recommended a book to Beth called Expectations and Burnout: Women Surviving the Great Commission by Sue Eenigenburg and Robynn Bliss. We purchased a copy and Beth has been slowly progressing through it ever since. In chapter three, one of the authors shared survey findings after conducting interviews with many missionary women on the expectations they have of themselves and their success in meeting those expectations.
“Missionary women were asked to put a 1 (rarely), 2 (sometimes), 3 (often), or a 4 (always) corresponding to what they expected of themselves. Then, they were to look at the list again and rate what actually corresponded to their reality.” (Expectations and Burnout, p.56)
Beth shared the list of expectations with me and I found that even as a man, I resonated with many of them. Here are the survey findings:
Expectations | Percentage of expectations greater than reality | Percentage of expectations that equal reality |
Percentage of expectations less than reality |
Have a daily quiet time |
57.50 |
41.0 |
1.6 |
Have a best friend on my team |
50.20 |
30.0 |
19.8 |
Embrace my new host culture |
50.90 |
42.9 |
6.2 |
Am fruitful |
75.40 |
21.5 |
3.1 |
Am growing spiritually continually |
67.60 |
30.2 |
2.2 |
Have a successful family life |
56.50 |
38.5 |
5.0 |
Am a prayer wa*rior |
70.40 |
25.2 |
4.4 |
Enjoy national friendships |
48.60 |
39.3 |
12.1 |
Have a strong relationships with my supporters |
50.50 |
39.9 |
9.7 |
Stay connected with my sending church |
49.80 |
41.4 |
8.8 |
Am a good public speaker |
30.40 |
39.2 |
30.4 |
Teach well |
35.30 |
38.5 |
26.2 |
Am spiritually dynamic |
62.70 |
28.2 |
9.2 |
Am brave and unafraid of new circumstances |
43.20 |
41.6 | 15.2 |
Have good leadership in my organization |
42.90 |
38.6 |
18.5 |
Have a strong team |
50.20 |
35.5 |
14.4 |
Continually trust God for everything |
65.80 |
30.1 |
4.0 |
Have a sure and certain calling to my work |
27.30 |
62.4 |
10.2 |
Persevere no matter what |
31.10 |
48.8 |
20.2 |
Have high standards for myself and my family |
25.80 |
60.1 |
14.2 |
Do not experience burnout |
43.00 |
36.1 |
20.9 |
Am a strong leader |
39.10 |
39.1 |
21.9 |
Have miraculous stories to tell of how God is using me |
55.10 |
35.8 |
9.0 |
Do not fail |
50.00 |
36.3 |
13.8 |
Am admired by people for my calling |
17.60 |
42.0 |
40.4 |
Am well cared for by my organization |
24.20 |
46.6 |
29.2 |
Am accountable to my leaders in my church and organization |
39.40 |
47.5 |
13.0 |
Succeed in every area of life |
49.80 |
34.3 |
15.9 |
Am well balanced in areas of ministry in and out of home |
56.00 |
36.2 |
7.9 |
Am certain about my roles and able to do them well |
47.80 |
40.1 |
12.1 |
Am content without a lot of money |
34.60 |
48.9 |
16.5 |
Sacrifice my happiness for my husband’s ministry |
33.10 |
47.9 |
19.1 |
Am a trail blazer |
41.30 |
38.8 |
20.0 |
Feel confident in ministry |
45.30 |
40.1 |
14.6 |
“According to the results of this survey, women’s expectations almost always exceeded their reality.” (Expectations and Burnout, p.56)
The authors go on to point out, “Note that for these missionary women the biggest gaps between expectations and reality were in their own spiritual life with areas of fruitfulness, prayer and spiritual growth. Women headed to the mission field would likely be women of prayer (or at least women who believed prayer was a good idea) and were probably experiencing a degree of fruitfulness and spiritual growth in their home culture. The survey shows missionary women clearly expect to experience these things even more abundantly in their full-time ministry overseas. However, moving and adapting to a different culture, coupled with the spiritual warfare involved certainly takes its toll in every area of spiritual life and ministry.” (Expectations and Burnout, p.58)
Interesting.
Reflecting on Expectations
As a man, to this list I would add the following personal expectation categories each with its own list of expectations:
- Being a perfectly loving husband
- Being an awesome dad
- Being a great co-worker
- Being highly disciplined at all times
- Being a powerful testimony for Christ in our community
- Being a brilliant church planter
- Excelling in everything at all times
Beth & I were encouraged to read this study because we have also felt the pressure of performing under unrealistic expectations. Most of the expectations we had for ourselves were never voiced, and some we wouldn’t have even been able to identify unless it was written out on paper. When we inevitably failed, we were discouraged.
For us, understanding the expectations being placed on us, by ourselves or others, whether realistic or unrealistic, has really helped us. It has helped us to ask the question, “What does the Lord actually expect from us?” Does the Lord expect perfection at all times? Does the Lord expect us to be super-Christians with little to no failure? Is the Lord comparing our lives with the drive and discipline of the Apostle Paul?
I doubt it. After all, He knows us better than that. I doubt he brought us out here because He was impressed by our awesome abilities. I doubt he brought us out here to try as hard as we could. I think He brought us out here to trust as hard as we could.
What makes an awesome missionary? Is it someone who excels at building relationships? Is it someone who is a gifted language learner? Is it someone who has exceptional survival skills and can live out in the wild? Those things may be helpful, but what makes a real servant of Christ, no matter where they serve, is not in abilities or capabilities, but rather it is in an individual’s capacity to relinquish trust in oneself towards trust in God. Anyone with the willingness to depend on Christ has the opportunity to be used by Christ. In order to depend wholly on Him, we have to first lose trust in our own abilities and worthiness. Is it possible that the reason we are disappointed in ourselves when we fail is because we actually believed in ourselves, like Bible teacher William Newell suggests? “To be disappointed in yourself is to have believed in yourself.”
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” -2 Cor. 12:9
Sweet Freedom & Rest
In any case, for us, consciously answering these questions about God’s expectations from time to time frees us from the bondage of our own unrealistic expectations. It frees us from feeling like failures all the time. It also frees us from feeling like we want to prove to others that we are quality people; quality missionaries. What matters isn’t what others think, what matters is what God thinks, and what matters is that we learn to rest in Him. We’re still learning this lesson and I would imagine that it is something we will continue to relearn many times again.
Its been over six years since we sat in Todd & Ruth Ann’s living room discussing expectations. We are still relatively young and would still be considered newlyweds by many. We have a lot of our lives still ahead of us. However, one thing we have learned for certain in our few years of marriage is the reality of expectations and the need to communicate, understand and adjust them as needed. We aren’t perfect, but just thinking in that direction has helped us a great deal.
michelle schaffner says
Tom and Beth,
I have thought of you both often as I picked up a book entitled, The River God Forgot, about the life-changing experiences of a young American family in the Amazon. They were missionaries and often you could see how their expectations had to change to trust in the Lord and His working. We all must stay connected to the vine to bear spiritual fruit. Often, that fruit is not what we thought it would be. But then often when God is using us most is when we do not know it!
Thanks for these encouraging thoughts and know you are in my prayers today. Love, Michelle
Tom says
Thanks for the encouragement, Michelle! And thank you for your prayers. Yes, life here on the field has certainly required a continual shift in expectations, but you are so right about needing to stay connected to the vine!
Paige Cisco says
Encourgement: Chosing today to enjoy every moment.
Dave Lewis says
Glad to know you’ve found the book helpful. We just gave one to the couple who will be staying with us the next two weeks. She is devouring it!
And for what it’s worth, we never got over having misplaced expectations. Still haven’t. Might not ever. OK, that’s maybe not real encouraging. Just saying it is a learning process that takes a while.
Tom says
Well, in a weird way, it is encouraging! 🙂 Thanks for your comment.
Beth Amick says
Wow this is an awesome post, Tom. It certainly gives me much to ponder. THANK YOU for sharing this. I will continue to pray for you and Beth and your Kiddos.
Tom says
Hi Beth! Thanks for the encouragement and for your prayers!
Jeff says
I will be pondering what you’ve said and how it applies to me for a good long time. Thank you for sharing your insights my friend.