I’d love to say I have writers block right now, but I am no writer, so blogger block it is. I like to stay consistent with my blogging, but boy it has been hard the last few months. I have started writing lots of different posts, but halfway through I just get stuck or uninterested in what I am writing about. So here goes a blog about nothing. Well, to me it is something, but to other people it is probably a whole lot of boring. You have been warned. Now is probably a good time to stop reading….
Being a momma is hard work. It really sucks the life out of me sometimes. (That could be the breastfeeding talking… I mean, have you seen Jonah!?) Some days I feel as though I am just trying to survive rather than really living. My house is in a constant state of disarray and am always trying to catch up on stuff. I, like every other mom out there, want to be the best. BUT, I am not and I never will be. Ugh, how I want to do it all on my own, but dear me, that is not how the Lord planed it. I have struggled with anger all of my life. It is the very reason I was fearful to have kids, but I guess God is always trying to grow us, because having kids 14 months apart is a challenge in itself!
I want my house to be perfect and clean. I really like having a clean house. Reality: my house is never clean and is a constant “stress” for me. I want to spend time with my kids, who both need LOTS of attention in different ways, but when my house is dirty I get flustered faster and loose my cool way more easily.
It becomes easy to blame Brion or Eli for the mess, but that is only an outlet for anger that doesn’t need to be there in the first place. I keep telling myself that this is a season in my life and one day, my house will be easier to keep clean, but really, that only helps so much. And I have boys and we are moving to the jungle… will my house ever really be clean again? ;)
I feel very vulnerable writing about this and it is a constant prayer of mine. I pray for strength, grace and patience as I deal with my anger. I know that my boys are watching me and learning from me. I want to be a godly example of love and grace to them, but my sin and flesh get so in the way. I strive to be better for them no matter what the state of my heart or my house or our financial situation. I want to be a great wife for Brion, I want to be the best, hands-on mom for the boys, I want to be a great missionary and I want to do all of that without yelling or loosing control. Reality: I fail. Daily. But God is so good and so gracious.
Oh this was one sticky, hot mess of a blog post, but I have to end with something else I feel. So here is a bit of what is going on with our boys. They are simply the best and I could talk about them for hours!
Eli- He is 20 months old and a constant echo of what we say. (Now even calling his brother “chunky”. Oh boy, we better stop that quick!) He loves Elephants above anything else. He also loves books, playdough, puzzles and destroying our house on a daily basis. His newest habit is laying down and saying tickle with a cheeky grin on his face. LOVE it!
Jonah- 6 months old! Where does the time go? He loves cuddling. He can roll to his tummy and scootch around the floor on his back, don’t ask how, but that’s about it. He is so content to sit and smile most of the time. He has the sweetest chuckle ever and I grow more in love with him and his rolls everyday. He recently found his feet and loves them. He is sensitive and calm, so different from his brother! God is so cool.
Anyway, I’m blessed beyond measure, not only to have these awesome healthy boys, but that Brion is such an active, awesome dad. Everyday I pray for strength, wisdom and grace and some days, I think God grants me that ;) I love that I can depend of God for all things and that He loves and cares for me even more than I love and care for my boys!
I did it. Hooray! I didn’t even fully proof-read this, so if you made it to the end, please be gracious about judging misplaced commas or words that simply didn’t make any sense.