I have been going through a very tough battle with postpartum depression. It’s been kicking my behind. Big time. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone, yet I know that God has me on this road for a specific purpose. Many people have been noticing (and telling us) we are sick an awful lot, that there always seems to be something going on with our family. Well, they’re right. We have had a really rough road. One that we have thought about giving up on many times (or at least I have). It shouldn’t be this hard right? Is this a sign that God really doesn’t want us to be here? Or is this a crucial time that we need to push through all this junk and show everyone where our strength lies, who we really serve, how powerful our God really is?
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
…..And mic drop. Guys…. this! This is my life. Right at this very moment. I am (literally) wasting away and yet day by day, God is the one who is keeping me together and whole. These troubles I am facing, are they anything in compared to an eternal life without Christ, which is what some people are going to face? They are in fact “light”. Wow. The more I struggle with panic attacks and times of deep despair, the easier it is for me to remember to turn to truth. To run to the God’s word and find peace and perspective.
The way our God loves and teaches us will always be astounding to me. I have a hard time finding joy amidst this trial, but I have come to the point of being thankful for it. Is it making me a great missionary? At the moment, not at all, like, seriously the worst right now. But God desires for me to be even more dependent on him and this is my way of learning. Over and over. God is great and his plan for our lives is perfect. I never would have asked for all these trials over the last two years; the hardest years of our lives so far, but I know that every hardship we have faced has been intentional and for our good.
I feel a lot like the precious girl in this picture. She feels totally safe in her daddy’s arms. That little pup can’t touch her when she is being protected by her daddy. She is so confident in him and she’ll even stick her hands right in the dog’s mouth. Knowing he is there is all she needs to feel safe, untouchable and brave. I am in my fathers arms and I can be brave knowing he is watching every big, bad and scary thing that comes into my life. He even put them there! (Just like we put our pup Lola in our house.) Knowing that some day that that scary thing will not always be scary. That that scary thing brought us closer to himself for protection, for courage, for truth.
Man, God is just so so good!
I prayed for you tonight! You are not alone! God hears each cry from His loved ones! Keep up the good fight as we fight against the forces of spiritual darkness that want to drag us down but God will help us. You are very loved by Him!
YES!! Such beautiful truth that came because you kept your eyes on the author and perfecter of your faith. And when your eyes are on Him and your goal is to please Him, you let His truth be a lamp and a light to your path. And the result of abiding is the fruit of the Spirit and God being glorified in you! And He is PLEASED! Wow!
God is amazing! Thank you for sharing. The joy of the Lord is our strength. He never works against Himself. You are on the mission field primarily to please Him… SUCCESS! Everything falls into place if you keep Him first!
2 Corinthians 4: 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
Thank you for sharing so we who love Him could benefit from what He is revealing to you about Himself! HE is worthy!
What HE wants to accomplish in you and through you is best accomplished with post partum depression! In our weakness He is strong! Apart from Him we can do nothing!
Brion and Annette,
My husband sent me a link to this blog post as an encouragement. See, I encountered severe postpartum after the birth of my third child. It even landed me in the psych ward. (4 times over 8 years) I have some clue as to what you go through. I am encouraged by the support of your loving friends. I felt more like Job with the advice and critique I received. My struggles never went away, so the Dr.’s relabeled my condition bi-polar with postpartum onset. It’s been 18 years now, and my life is still a daily struggle. I must honestly say, I do not feel like the child safely in her father’s arms, but live with the constant reminder that they hated Jesus, and they are going to hate me. Each day, I expect a knock on the door and that it is my turn to be physically beaten for his glory like so many of His followers throughout the world. My husband and I continue to beat the odds, we have a loving, faithful marriage and we continue to love others in Jesus name. I have learned to act “normal” so, most of my “new” friends think I am.
Your post brought tears to our eyes, especially those truths from 2 Corinthians as we deal with the reality of our 3 yr. old Liliana being diagnosed two weeks ago with Leukemia. We too are holding on to Lord and truths from His word with an extra firm grip these days as we struggle to comprehend the radical change to our lives and the uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds. We will be praying for you both and that Gods peace will fill your hearts in the midst of this battle you are fighting. I can’t imagine….Thank you though for your courage and transparency. Know that He is near even in those moments when it feels to you that you are alone.
I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been going through, but I do believe that the will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot keep us – so stay strong and courageous. You are loved and prayed for often by many – and I know that God is holding you in the palm of His hand.
Hi Annette and Brion, thanks for sharing. Don’t forget the illness, the depression often have a significant spiritual side. Attacks from the enemy on missionaries often can be in the form of illness, “accidents”, etc. Keep praying. Keep reminding yourself who that strong Father of yours is. Keep repeating who you are in Christ: righteous, chosen & appointed to bear fruit, a joint heir with Christ, a dwelling place of God, Christ’s workmanship, chosen & dearly loved, a person for God’s own possession … These are who you are. This is your real identity. Find the scriptures and keep repeating them and the Holy Spirit will continue to work them out in your life. The enemy doesn’t want the lost reached and so the price is high. We will continue to pray and pray more diligently.
Bueno amigos oramos por ustedes, que Dios les fortalezca en estos momentos tan dificiles y les de paz en sus corazones; y puedan seguir haciendo la obra que El Señor les ha encomendado. Un abrazo que El Señor les bendiga.
Praying for you Nettie! I can so relate to depression. When Apostle Paul speaks of having a thorn in his flesh to keep him from becoming conceited (2 Corinthians 12:7), my idea of that thorn he speaks of to be depression. With the Lord’s leading I have found things to do now when I feel it start trying to come back and I thank God for his help in my overcoming it. If it is an old record… replace the song! Dance with joy even if you don’t feel it and it will come. Act as if you don’t feel it and one day it will be turned to joy. Keep praising God and keep busy enough to not give the thoughts enough time to try to have their way. Someone once taught to replace the old record that keeps playing with a new one. Sing God’s promises over yourself, your family and your life. This is just a couple of things I do and keeping the Holy Spirit so close (which I know you know!) to keep listening to hear him tell us how much He has for us in this life and to not give up. He actually sings to me secular songs often as well. I hope this all made sense! I would love to send you my book.. that may be a fun read for you! So many people said they were blessed by it. Let me know if you would like me to send it to you! I am praying for you!!
Thanks for your raw courage and authenticity Annette! You represent Christ and ACC so well. Keep looking to Him. I am praying for you and your family.