Trying to recover from typhoid has given me more free time than I know what to do with. Doctors suggest that rest and “stress free” living are keys to recovery, so I’m in the city doing, well, nothing much. And doing nothing has given me plenty of time to think.
Mostly, my thoughts have focused on the things I wish I were doing: finishing my literacy primers (so close!), helping my co-workers, spending time with my Nahuatl friends, writing updates… At one point I even wished I had brought my receipts out of the village with me so that I could work on my taxes! I remember thinking, “At least I could have checked one thing from my list.”
My attitude of late has been poor. And I’ve had plenty of down time to reflect on its pathetic-ness. One night I headed up to the roof, where there is cool breeze and a view of the stars. As I sat there, trying to pray, I simply started crying. I kept thinking, “I’m not very good at trusting you, God. I’m not very good at loving you. I’m not very good at having faith in you. I’m pretty much only good at doing things for you.”
But God does not need me to do things. Don’t misunderstand me; I know that works are an important part of Christian life. But God desires a heart that is totally wrapped up in him, and thus works that flow out of him. He desires faith, not sacrifice. He wants love, not mountain-moving.
There’s no fancy conclusion to this story. It’s too early. The only thing I can say is that I have admitted I’m not where I need to be. I’m fessing up that in the past I’ve redefined “walking with God” as “working for God.” And right now, I’m out of work and asking God to teach me to walk better.