Last week my monthly financial support soared up to 95%! Exciting, right? Well, kind of. It has been fifteen years since the Lord called me to missions and through the years I have often wondered what this day would be like. Now that it is here, I can honestly say, it feels unlike anything I have ever experienced. While this is an amazing milestone, it has suddenly triggered a plethora of emotions, the greatest of which is sadness. I know I am not the only one to experience such emotion at such a time as this, but I do hope you will join me in praying through this.
Recently, as I laid in bed, restlessly thinking about all that is happening, I tried to express what I was feeling in writing. The following is what transpired.
Not as I Will, but as You Will!
Today my heart is anguished. As I reflect upon my life, this life that I have lived for 33 years, and the relationships that the Lord has so graciously blessed me with, my heart hurts. For 33 years, this day has been coming, and for the last 15, I knew it was coming. Though I never expected it to be easy, I didn’t quite realize the depth of the pain I would feel. With every thought about this life that I have been blessed to live, there is a sadness that is awakened within me, realizing that this life is soon to be no more. With every conversation with cherished friends, there is a longing to not hang up the phone, realizing that I will soon be more than a phone call away. With every moment with my beloved family, my heart grieves, realizing that these moments are some of the last. Oh, the torture of these days. These days that the Lord knew, even before I was conceived in my mothers womb.
The Lord promises to never give us more than we can bear, but this, oh, this seems so unbearable. I try to be strong, withholding the tears that dwell within my soul. But sometimes the burden is too much to bear, and the wall of the dam gives way to the outcry of my heart and the tears pour forth uncontrollably.
A part of me feels as if I am dying. And the truth is, a part of me is dying. Though it is not a physical death, it is a spiritual death; A death to every dream, desire, and selfish ambition. It is the death of self.
As I am struggling my way through this challenging journey, I realize that at this exact age, the age of 33, Jesus too, felt the sting of death as He gave His own life. Only the life He gave was far more costly, the anguish He felt was far beyond explanation, and the death He died was far more important. Though He knew this was His destiny and the fulfillment of scripture He still asked the Father, “If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
Although I cannot even begin to compare myself to Jesus, or fully comprehend the sacrifice He made and the anguish of taking on the sin of the world, I find great comfort in knowing that He too, in His humanity, grieved over His God given destiny. He pleaded with the Father that if there be any other way, may His life be spared. Yet, even still, more than anything else, He desired the will of the Father to be accomplished. This too, is where I find myself, desperately longing for an alternative means of taking the Gospel to the world. But even still, more than anything else, desiring the will of the Father to be accomplished!
Though the days are challenging and my heart is broken I will push forward, knowing that these are the days of Jehovah. These are the days He has planned for me, not to harm me but to give me hope and a future. I will push forward, knowing that this is the fulfillment of His good and perfect will. I will push forward, realizing that this life I live is not my own, for I have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ. I will push forward, striving to adopt the attitude of Christ, putting other before myself, even to the point of death. I will push forward, not as I will, but as to the will of the Father!