Have you ever wondered, at the end of a heated argument with someone, “How in the world did we end up there?” Or, if you are married, have you asked yourself, “Why do I always get so defensive and worked up when she/he brings that thing up?” Maybe it’s just me. That when certain things come up, I find myself saying and doing things that afterwards, I ask myself, “why does that happen?”
I have shared my journey with playing games in the past. While I think I am doing better at it, there are still times when, if it’s clear that I am going to lose, and I have no chance of catching up, my wife can tell I have a bad attitude. I start complaining. I start making comments about how bad I am doing. I don’t encourage her or celebrate her wins. And she quickly begins feeling that she needs to just let me win in order to “enjoy” playing. That seems like such a small thing. But, I can’t tell you how many times that has ruined a romantic evening, or ruined a nice time as a family.
Recently we faced a little more serious situation. We have shared quite a bit about our home church situation. People are hurting on both sides of this conflict. But, because we agreed with the leaders, and the church basically voted the leaders out, we are really wrestling whether we can go back and fellowship at our home church because, of all that has happened. And lately it seems, this is becoming another one of those topics. Because we are so different in how we think we should respond , the conversations end up ending in hurt feelings and frustration on both sides (between my wife and I) about not being heard and understood.
So, why do these things happen? Interestingly enough, in the midst of all of this, I have begun a program working toward further training, maybe certification in, Biblical Peacemaking. (I worked on this awhile ago, but never finished – Here’s a post about it – Relational Wisdom Introduction) As I started this course, the instructor warned us, “Now that you are taking this course, God is going to give you “homework” because He expects you to start applying this stuff in your own life.” Not so funny when, sure enough, the same day, or the next day, I get into an argument with my wife.
The principles I am learning have been very powerful. It’s giving me definition to what is happening, and tools to overcome these things. And while I have been taking these courses in preparation for helping others, I am realizing how much I need to grow in them first.
As I continue to learn and grow in these things, I would like to try and share with you my journey, and Lord willing it will inspire you all to grow in your relational wisdom as well.
In closing, I want to include links to 2 blog posts by Ken Sande, that really helped me to understand what is happening in these kinds of scenarios, and Lord willing I will be able to identify this tendency sooner, and work at changing my default response. I hope you will desire the same.
David Watters
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.